Collingwood midfielder Dayne Beams has revealed he purposely crashed his car during his darkest moment and detailed his battle with addiction.
Beams is on indefinite leave from the Magpies to focus on his mental health and it appears unlikely he will play at AFL level again.
The 30-year-old says he's now in a good mental space, but his life spiralled out of control after the death of his father from cancer in 2018.
A concussed Beams was taken to hospital in February after crashing his car into a pole.
The 177-game veteran opened up about the incident on The Last Time I Cried podcast.
"There was a moment where - I can't even remember to be honest because I was actually concussed in the incident - but I crashed my car deliberately," Beams said.
"I didn't want it to be fatal, I didn't want to die.
"But it was a cry, it was a massive cry for help.
"I needed help, and I didn't know what to do anymore.
"I didn't want to die, I didn't want to end my life.
"But at the time ... I just didn't know how to get out of the s*** that I was in.
"I feel like you need to hit rock bottom to go back up, and for me that was the lowest I got."
Beams says he was selfish to take the action that he did and he has since learned from his mistake.
"The thought of putting my kids and my wife through that, it makes me feel sick," Beams said.
"But it's just where I was at.
"I didn't know what to do anymore, I didn't know where to turn.
"I just wanted someone to help me.
"I don't ever encourage anyone to do any of that, because there's always someone willing to help.
"I just needed serious help and fortunately I got it, and I'm in the best place I've been for the last sort of three years now."
Beams also spoke of some of his other regrets.
"There's no doubt I had some addiction issues," he said.
"There'll be a time where I go into them and try to help people in depth.
"But at the moment I'm clean.
"And the only reason why I'm saying this right now is because I know there's a lot of people out there who are masking their pain with - whether it's gambling, whether it's drugs, whether it's alcohol - they're masking it in some way.
"I'm living proof that it doesn't help.
"It just puts you further back."
Beams says he isn't thinking about his football future right now but rather just enjoying the fact he can get out of bed every day and feel happy.
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